From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
