there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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