I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
