I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
