sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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