I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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