Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
