I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
