I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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