I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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