i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
