I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
