I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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