im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
