Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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