you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize