my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
