I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
