Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
zippers are such a cool invention
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
