we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
