I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
