that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I smell like Dick and happiness
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
