so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
