I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just had sex bonerless
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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