When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
