her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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