if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
