Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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