You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
