apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
