we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
