I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
