Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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