Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Small penises have feelings too.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
