Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
