Soap is not a condiment
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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