this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
