He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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