I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
