standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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