everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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