You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
