OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
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and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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