im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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