theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
How naked do you want me to be?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
