I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
