Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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