who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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