Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
