No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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