This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
