my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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