When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
