I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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