Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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