Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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