When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
