My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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